The Teams
It’s that time of year again as we come together to watch out favorite athletes take to the gridiron. It’s a time of chicken wings, broken tables, spilt beer, and some ridiculous Sunday shenanigans with friends. It also time to stab those friends in the back while wheeling and dealing your way to your championship fight. FANTASY FOOTBALL IS BACK IN SEASON! Some play for money, some play for glory, but us…we play for this:
As usual and thanks to a spice of added drama, the league I’m apart of took the time to draft…..I mean really we literally pushed it to the wire and drafted last night. Come to think of it, I think we’ve drafted every labor day weekend since we try and pretend we’re into this but don’t figure our shit out until about three hours before the draft deadline. This year, since I made this website, our highs and lows will be bared publicly for your enjoyment as we verbally crush one another into the ground. Grab a drink, follow along, cheer on your favorites as I introduce you to this years 10 team roster of people we can tolerate for 18 weeks.
#1 – Drunken Avengers (DA)
2020 Finish – 1st (6 Wins, 8 Losses)
General Info: Yea you read that right, a 6-8 record won this league last year. Starting at the top because , well I’m the one writing all of this and I fucking won last year! After the ridiculous 2019 season that saw the Drunken Avengers relegated to last place somewhere around week two and woefully unable to recover all season long, the team manager switched tactics for 2020 and drafted sober. DA’s roster looked strong and cohesive until their first round draft pick in Cristian McCaffrey was injured, out, recovered, only to be hurt again. It was an all season battle to keep the roster going but as losses mounted the skies grew darker until a beacon of light broke through the storm clouds in the form of a playoff berth. Somehow, someway, DA knocked off the #2 seed in the first round ending the hopes and dreams of Thai Chili who you’ll unfortunately meet later. It was then DA dropped the hammer on the #1 team formerly known as BGD (absent this year), and secured a spot in the finals. Nino De Oro remained and with an injury to their lineup during the finals, DA rode the back of Aaron Jones to the W and secured the championship belt around their waste. A true Cinderella Story, Miracle on the virtual gridiron, One of those days that will live in infamy, whatever you want to call it, DA will look to secure their grip on the belt for another year and lay absolute verbal waste to this league.
#2 – Nino De Oro (NDO)
2020 Finish – 2nd (8 wins, 6 losses)
General Info: All that shines was silver in 2020 as NDO took it up a notch and duck booted his way into second place. NDO looks like a formidable cruise ship sailing amongst the seas, that is until the captain gets drunk and tips the boat or hits an iceberg of injuries. NDO suffered a few upsets this year but remained steadfast on his projected strategy of “set it and forget it”. This reporter is sure he’ll tell everyone he played the long game but we all know he most likely forgot about it or got cocky and it paid off this time. While NDO won’t take home his precious gold, he did steal a few dinners courtesy of T$ (also absent this year) which probably tasted way better for…..well, reasons. NDO returned to the 2021 season doing minimal research and will probably somehow podium again this year while the rest of make moves like madmen/women to get our teams under control. Prick.
#3 – Lt. Dan (LD)
2020 Finish – 3rd (7 wins, 7 losses)
General info: It was touch and go there for a little while as LD took an interesting strategy in replicating on field injuries of her players in real life. From hospital beds to one night stand beds LD made it work staying a quiet sleeper in the midfield most of the season. Her route through the playoffs was tricky, knocking off the commissioner in the first round by four points. Unfortunately the momentum was lost as she was cock slapped back to reality by NDO in the semifinals. She got herself up, took a shower, walked home without shoes, did her makeup, and came back to punt BGD and take the bronze medal. I mean seriously though if it wasn’t bad enough BGD lost to DA, this was just rude. 2020 was a great result for team LD minus the case of COVID-19 and the ball and chain that came with it. This year LD looks to keep the winning ways going, but won’t be afraid to break out the kneepads if it really gets really desperate.
#4 – Saquan Deez Nuts (SDN)
2020 Finish – 5th (9 wins, 5 losses)
General Info: Ya’ll know that guy who starts a league because he thinks he can win it every year? Say hello to our beloved commissioner SDN. in 2020 the commish shot for the stars but didn’t even make it out of the atmosphere. It was like a kid jumping on a trampoline thinking he’s in the clouds when he’s only a few feet off the ground. It was cute to watch, but you start wondering if they’ll ever grow out of that phase. Rumors of collusion and cheating were squashed as someone who was doing those things would’ve actually finished on the podium instead of 5th but hey I’m not one to judge. SDN carries the dreams of gold into 2021 and started off strong by securing the best rated draft in our league, which really isn’t saying much. The rest of the league eagerly anticipates berating him over his shitty rules all season long.
#5 – Sunday Funday (SF)
2020 Finish – 6th (6 wins, 8 losses)
General Info: Speaking of friends you have in your group y’all got that one friend that just borders on mediocrity? Like you know it’s the best they’ll achieve and so do they so it just gets embraced? Like they try really hard but it’s only average bordering failing? Say hi to Sunday Funday. SF took home an ok 6th place matching her work ethic and motivation. If she tried a little more a 4th or even podium may have been within reach, but she remained in the lower end of the mid field content with being subpar. If anything shows out of the league draft this year, SF is going to have a tough time of it and when consulting with Yahoo Sports, experts had this to say, “In Spite of a Few Value Picks, Sunday Funday Can Make the Playoffs if Extremely Active (which she won’t be), and opponents will enjoy overwhelming them with regularity, as this team is projected to finish 10th in Main Bitches League”. Well I think my job here is done, yikes.
#6 – Thai Chili (TC)
2020 Finish – 7th (9 wins, 5 losses)
General Info: This bitch brought the heat in 2020 all season long that’s for dam sure. Each new week brought a new recipe as she continued to burn past her competitors simmering in a podium position most of the season. Unfortunately, when she needed it most, the heat faded and she was crushed in the first round of the playoffs by the Drunken Avengers, like it was almost abusive how much she lost by. Feel bad about it yet? I can keep going. TC will walk into 2021 with a new recipe and an extra pound of salt to shove down her opponents throats as she looks to take back what she feels is rightfully hers. In all honesty this reporter had her pegged as a favorite to win the gambit in 2020, and while her offseason was a little spicier than anyone expected and her draft didn’t do the best, she may yet remain one to keep an eye on during the season.
#7 – Princess M (PM)
2020 Finish – 9th (5 wins, 9 losses)
General Info: Next up we have league royalty who had a strong showing in the beginning of the 2020 season but somehow, someway managed to blow it on the backend (that’s what she said). One can only assume gambling debts struck an all time high and the Princess had to auction off her players to the highest bidder or they all secretly took dives since the team owner probably didn’t pay their checks. Maybe PM will take this as a sign and see a therapist but we all know it’s never going to happen, and secretly, we all enjoy the shitshow too much to get her help she needs. Starting off on completely the wrong foot, PM ranks 9th after the draft. We’re not sure if she’s defending her position or forgot that there’s more to play for and frankly we’re not going to tell her. This reporter spoke with the Yahoo Sports experts who provided some insight “Princess M received a solid draft position, and they fumbled it away. In Spite of an Impressive Backfield, Princess M Have a Great Team if the Goal is to Finish Dead Last”. While the manager cries in a corner and racks up more debt, the rest of us will bust out the popcorn bucket and have a feast watching the performance. I should add, she is married to the commissioner so stay tuned for cries of collusion and favoritism that are bound to appear.
#8 – Deep Space Niners (DSN)
2020 Finish – 10th (2 wins, 12 losses)
General info: The mid league finisher in 2019 fell hard in 2020 when their #1 draft pick got injured and went out all season long. There were few moments they might have been able to claw their way out but phasers failed to fire and the enemy set their attack plan to “no fucking mercy”. Seeing the display on the wall DSN stayed quiet in the group chat all season which was probably best, until called upon to stem some rising tensions amongst the clans. Clearing their head of the Romulan Ale stupor they found themselves in all offseason, DSN had a solid draft performance and will at least look to keep themselves out of last place yet again, that is depending on how much of a doghouse he’s in for drafting on his anniversary.
Now now, I know there were some gaps in those numbers of placement and unfortunately, we lost two of our initial members this year Baby Got Dak (BGD – 4th) had to back out due to real life which sucks, and we lost The $olution (T$ – 8th) during the battle of Ikea/Raymour Flannigan, which is, well a tale for another time. Instead we find two new people we can tolerate, I mean combatants, to enter the online turf war.
#9 – Darwin’s Law (DL)
General Info: Willingly signing up for some unknown reason, DL looks to make a strong impression drafting fairly well overall but seemingly forgetting that they needed a kicker on their roster. I’m sure the rookie had it all figured out as he’ll likely tell anyone when questioned but we’ll see how many desperate moves need to be made on the waiver wire. While DL could probably smoke the rest of the league in real life competitions, they find themselves in unfamiliar territory where the playing field is equaled thanks to a keyboard and mouse. You’re in our house now douchebag and we are kings of out of shape activities.
#10 – Make Fantasy Futball Gr8 Again (that’s how they actually typed it)
General Info: Speaking of out of shape our last but certainly not least entrant rides that wave in style. First off they already pissed me off with the length of that name I’m going to have to type out every fucking weekend so there’s that. Second, I know you’re reading it like “Make fantasy football great again!”, but really you should be reading it like “MaKe FaNtAsY fOoTbAlL gReAt AgAiN” and had I had the appropriate time to meme that I would have, but I didn’t. MFFGA snagged a top tier QB, but apparently didn’t notice they hadn’t drafted a running back until like the 4th round so this bodes extremely well for one of our new entrants. MFFGA looks to make a return to the gridiron after a long hiatus, but after the draft ranks were issued, it looks like it may take a few seasons more to shake off the rust.
With new blood on the battlefield the 2021 season of the Main Bitches League (named by a woman so get off me) will throw down the gauntlet once more and hallowed verbal combat shall echo across the arenas of this nation. Will the rookies make an impact? Can the “veterans” prove that an old dog can learn new tricks? Who knows, come get drunk and follow along! Ten friends, one championship title, one punishment, all to play for. Game on motherfuckers, play dirty, and we’ll see who’s left to cross the finish line at the end.
