Football is back and so are the crowded bars. For a just a brief moment we stop to appreciate a sense of almost normalcy that has returned to our lives.
Alright, well before we even get into it there is something that needs to be discussed. There was a moment during the Thursday night game that almost struck the nation at it’s very core. A moment so controversial I am shocked it was allowed to be on TV. I am of course speaking of that commercial:
That’s a penis. Everyone saw that right? I think millions of women splooshed simultaneously when they saw this image so I have to give it to Subway for some creative advertising. Companies are already dropping Super Bowl level commercials and we aren’t even out of the first quarter! Fantastic. Alright onto the real shit.
Drunken Avengers (DA) vs. Saquan Deez Nuts (SDN)
Well he wasn’t happy having to draft a rival QB, but DA will be happy with explosive performance of Dak Prescott on Thursday giving his team a much needed boost to get the weekend going. The commish had to sit idly by and pray he would start the season with a W.
Darwins Law (DL) vs. Thai Chili (TC)
TC collected a whopping twenty points to start her week as one of her wide receivers continually found themselves catching Tom Brady’s pigskin all night. DL sat patiently licking himself waiting for his turn.
Deep Space Niners (DSN) vs. Lt. Dan (LD)
Well…. if Thursday night is any indiciation of how DSN will be performing this season, we may all want to go to red alert and power up the shields. With a combined opening onslought of proton torpedoes, DSN pulled a whopping 50 points between two players. LD wouldn’t see it coming as she was in a drunken stupor of a weekend and we all weren’t really sure if she had checked her roster or not before she left.
Nino de Oro (NDO) vs. MFFGA (Fuck you I’m not typing that goddam name out every weekend)
Both combatants saluted the emperor and came out swinging, well kind of. NDO would put up thirty four points on opening night followed closely by MFFGA with twenty six. Now, MFFGA could’ve done better but when your running back actually subtracts points from your score, that’s a bit of a problem. Should probably start playing those matchups big guy
Sunday Funday (SF) vs. Princess M (PM)
It really seems like anyone who had a player in the game Thursday night benefitted. Oh wait I forgot SF had three players who all seriously underperformed. Two of them were top tier point scorers who just couldn’t get it going…..like her love life. SF left a ton of points on the board and a low 121 point projection, slipped to a 109 by the end of the night. This is a dreaded feeling when your hopes and dreams are getting pounded into oblivion early in the season…..unlike you.