It happens at least once every year without warning and as weeks grind on, the inevitable eventually will occur. Managers and players alike shun the word from their lips as if the mere mention of it would bring upon a coming shit storm of pain and suffering. Sometimes we suffer it once, sometimes we can see it develop multiple times throughout a season as if it’s an angry ex lover yelling “And another thing!” before swiftly punching you in whatever genitalia you may have that would cause you the most pain. What I mention here is what we refer to as the “the fuckening”.
The Fuckening usually strikes anywhere between Week 2 and 5 but there is no guarantee of when it will occur. Seasons past have shown it hit all at once, while others show it spread out over almost an entire season. Right, I should probably explain what this phrase actually is. The Fuckening refers to that period of the year where all your stars you drafted get hurt for multiple weeks, go on full blown injured reserve, or as of last year come down with the Rona. We will see the damage spread out over the league as some managers escape unscathed while others bear the full brunt of the vengeful storm and scramble to hold tight as their ship gets rocked in the churning waves.
Princess M (PM) vs. Saquan Deez Nuts (SDN)
We’ll start with everyone’s favorite loss as SDN, comissioner, loyal husband, friend got absolutely murdered by his wife over the weekend. PM got her hair and nails did and had herself a weekend exceeding projections by 18 points even with a defense that simply couldn’t get itself in the mood. The only solace SDN can take away is his quarterback put the team on his back as best he could but in the end it wasn’t near enough. Both managers find themselves with four players apiece on the sidelines due to injuries and SDN feels the burn as one of those players was capable of having a high scoring game left while posting solely 0.3 points.
PM (2-1) 138.84 – SDN (1-2) 115.21
This entirely unbiased reporter caught wind of a potential scandal over the weekend heading into Monday night and I feel it is my journalistic duty to report on the matter so all three of our league fans know the full story. According to insider information Monday morning group chat discussions between league managers eluded to mounting tensions specifically between Drunken Avengers and Saquan Deez Nuts. The league commissioner noted a “glitch” which would cause the starting quarterback on DA’s roster, who was needed for the comeback win, to be removed. Lo and behold, at the start of the Monday night game between Dallas and Philadelphia, the star quarterback was nowhere to be found.
Now the league seems rather tight lipped on what occurred next, but according to sketchy outsider information Lt. Dan (playing DA) was seen with new rug burns on her knees, SDN looked rather satisfied, and suddenly DA’s quarterback appeared back in his lineup. Now this reporter is left to wonder what happened, but poses this question:
Why would SDN go against DA and pull his starter when DA did SDN’s dirty work delivering the ban hammer in the offseason? Seems like an odd time to get a set of balls
Back to the good shit!
Drunken Avengers (DA) vs. Lt. Dan (LD)
Take all the bullshit shenanigans imposed by our commissioner aside, this was a hotly contested matchup throughout the weekend. With a strong defensive performance again over the weekend, and star players performing to their top levels, DA looked unstoppable. LD took an early lead forcing DA to claw his way back and all hope hinged on one player going into Monday night. would the two walk away with the same record? NOPE, DA takes home their second win of the season and LD slides to the bottom with out a win so far. Also, nobodys buying those burns are from volleyball.
DA (2-1) 129.66 – LD (0-3) 118.89
Deep Space Niners (DSN) vs. Thai Chili (TC)
Last year the start of the fuckening was heralded by the top overall draft pick in Cristian McCafffrey succumbing to injury. This year would be no different as DSN would see their star burn out early into the Thursday night game, leaving early, and posting minimal points. TC would take full advantage of the situation and steam roll her way into lead clutching to her first potential W like a drug addict to their fix. For a brief moment DSN looked to have hope but was ultimately lost in the nebula and handed their first L of the season while TC takes away her first win and at least gets herself away from the bottom two.
DSN (2-1) 99.6 – TC (1-2) 122.65
Sunday Funday (SF) vs. Nino De Oro (NDO)
Despite the presence of a tight end….ha…..SF had herself a….Sunday funday. Looking at the matchups, the first five players on SF’s lineup scored double digit points with four of those players in the 20+ point range. When looking across the way at NDO, it didn’t even come close. There really isn’t much to say about this one other than NDO continues to cement himself in the bottom league after this weekend and may have to look to the waivers to get a boost and can walkaway knowing they didn’t score the lowest points of the weekend.
SF (2-1) 149.5 – NDO (0-3) 111.94
Darwin’s Law (DL) vs. MFFGA (Still a stupid name)
This was the matchup of the weekend as the two undefeated rookies battled it out to see who would be the only one to remain undefeated in the league. It was a hotly contested matchup as MFFGA felt the fuckening in full force losing two players early on into their respective games. “GrOnK’s GoNnA sCoRe 30 PoInTs A gAmE” didn’t manifest and heading into Monday night, DL stood the chance of a comeback. Unfortunately, his last player would barely get his feet underneath by the end of the 4th quarter and MFFGA would remain undefeated, now sitting atop the league leaderboard.
DL (2-1) 107.83 – MFFGA 114.77
It was a wild week in the league as almost every matchup was closely contested, except for the battle of wife and husband. I think this also the time where everyone can put their differences aside, come together and agree MFFGA can not be the one at the top. With a name change inspired to strike fear, we’ll see if the undefeated streak will continue. Will the fuckening continue? tune in next week to find out!